All About Our Daughter

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2009-10-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

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Seventeen-Year-Old Wants to Date

2009-04-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

*Seventeen-Year-Old Wants to "Date"*

Please read our General and Medical Disclaimers
Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW

Question: I would like to have information on how to handle my 17-year-old daughter. Is she ready for dating? If so should I have the biggest say in who she should go out with? What if she asks to go out with her friends and they drive? I don't want my daughter messing up because she has so much going for her.

Answer: First, let me address your specific parenting questions. Whether or not your 17-year-old daughter is "ready" for dating is best determined by your daughter, not you or I. You should certainly honor her choice of whom she dates and stay connected to her (being careful not to suffocate her with prying questions) during this emotional time. Remember what it was like when we all "took the leap" into the dizzying teenage dating world.

Kids are very vulnerable during these years and have a need for privacy that should be respected. That doesn't mean that you and she should not maintain any close relationship that you have established -- it means that she needs to feel independent from you so she can move confidently into her young adulthood.

On issues like going out with friends who drive, drinking, drugs, sexuality and sex, we all hope that the values and beliefs that we have espoused to our kids will guide them as they navigate the troubled waters of adolescence. We cannot forbid our teens from doing things we dislike -- that doesn't work. We can keep the communication lines open, even if it appears that they are not listening. The worst thing to do at this stage is to become frustrated and to stop talking to them. They need to know, more than ever, that we appreciate them and the efforts they are making to "do the right thing".

The following parenting books will provide you with a solid base of advice and pragmatic techniques to parent your teen: The Parent's Guide: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens, by Dinkmeyer and McKay Parenting by Heart, by Taffel and Blau You Can Say NO to Your Teenager and Other Strategies for Effective Parenting in the 1990's, by Shalov et al.

How to handle "perfect moms"

2009-04-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

*How to handle "perfect moms"*

Hi all! I'm just wondering if any other ladies out there would like to share their suggestions on dealing with other mom's who look down on you (maybe not what they say, but how they act or don't act) because of your children's behaviors or actions.

Let me explain a little of my dilemna....
My oldest son is ADD and on the high end of the Autism spectrum. He is very bright, but also has those oppositional behaviors which can be tough to deal with. My youngest son has some PDD tendiencies as well and probably ADD, but not diagnosed. So my boys tend to pick at each other and tend to be quite oppostional.

My husband and I do correct our children and are getting help to deal with their behaviors. Anyways there are other mom's that I interact with ... bus stop, church, etc. that I feel judge me as a mom by my boy's behavior. Sometimes they don't talk to me, and sometimes I get looks, etc. I am so tired of these "perfect" moms and am wondering what you gals suggest to do.

I don't think it is any of their business my sons' diagnoses and don't want to share that with them. How do you guys respond or not respond to mom's like this and how do you pick yourselves up when these mom's act this way and you are feeling like crap? (and oh,telling them off wouldn't be good, because they are mom's I have to interact with)

Hoping for some suggestions! Thanks.
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Special Education Question For All Parents

2009-04-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

*Special Education Question For Parents*

Hi there,
I am a parent of a child in special education. B/c our son's only 4 yrs old, he hasn't been officially diagnosed yet. This has been frustrating for us, not knowing what the future holds for him. At this time, we have come to accept his disability, and we've been putting most of our energy into helping him. This is both rewarding, yet stressful at the same time. Having a child w/ special needs takes a lot out of you, and there are days when it's really hard to deal with everything. Overall, though, we have seen a lot of progress in our son since he first started school, and we are so proud of his accomplishments. It's all worth the effort, and this experience has taught us so much. It has also brought us closer together as a family.
Currently our son is attending 2 schools: our town public pre-k and a private special ed pre-school. We have always had a good relationship w/ our son's teachers/therapists in the private school. We use a notebook to communicate any concerns or questions we may have, or just to share some positive feedback. This works great for us since our son is bused to school and we don't get the opportunity to speak to the teachers in person. On the other hand, it's been difficult for us to communicate w/ the teacher at the public school b/c she not only doesn't use a communication notebook, but she's very difficult to get in touch w/. For this reason, among others, we prefer the private school and feel it's a much better fit for our son at this time.
You are entering a very rewarding career. Enjoy every moment of it. I hope my information has been helpful.

Having a child with a disability can impact hard on a family. A lot of course depends on the severity of the disability.
Personally, I have a son who has ADHD and another who has ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome. The elder child was never diagnosed as such and spent his school career in special schools labelled 'bad boy'. Of course, with that came the shadow diagnosis of 'bad parenting'. He was brought up exactly as his older brother and sister, and they had no problems. When my youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome, it was suggested that his brother was probably the same. TOO LATE FOR HIM. This is an 'invisible' disability. People outside, when you go out in a family, stare and make comments about this wild child, and the parents who can't 'control' him. Outings get less and less and the other children miss out too. . There are some days when you despair and just want your child to be 'normal' and do 'normal' things. As they say, ADHD makes good parents look like bad parents. Other impacts are that parents will be under more pressure and stress, which can ruin marriages and relationships.
I am not sure how much I can give you on the question about collaboration with teachers as I live in Britain and our system may be different. I guess the basics would be pretty similar though. With my son I would be talking about 13 years ago and I know from my professional work that things have changed a lot in Education since then. My son spent his first term in school [ age 5, Primary 1] regularly excluded. In the end, I had to withdraw him from education and force their hand to do something for him. He ended up getting an hour a day tuition until they could find a school which would accept him. It took my son nearly killing himself for them to take some notice. He was then give a place in a special unit to be assessed. He then attended 'special school' for two years before being slowly re-introduced to mainstream school. Having a diagnosis made a big world of difference then to the way teachers collaborated with us. Suddenly they wanted to work with us the parents to get the best for my son. We had a communication book for this, but also regular meetings and reviews to discuss how progress was.
This is the reason I went back to college to become an Early Years Practitioner. Now I can spot problem areas some of the children have and get them help as soon as possible. Prevention is better than cure, and the earlier a child gets help, the more we can help them reach their potential.

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My Question Short Skirts & 13 yr old out of control

2009-04-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

*Short Skirts*

I'm surprised the school allows her to alter the uniform. It's really not "uniform" if her's is shorter. I would think that she wants to be a little sexy if she is shortening her skirt. Women want to be sexy and at 17 she is probably just starting to experiment with her sex appeal. However, school is not the proper place. In the workforce, I am required to keep a certain professional look. When I hang out with my friends or go out, I like to look kinda sexy. I think your daughter should maintain a certain professionalism in school.

Brings back memories.... I went to an all girls Catholic HS (although the boys were on the other side of the building), and we used to roll our skirts to make them shorter. There was this very rigid VP that used to stand in the hallway handing out demerits for every little thing. Rolling your skirt was one of them. I laugh about it now, but at the time I found it ridiculous! I believe her thinking was that the focus should be on education, not on distractions such as this. And a uniform is worn so that everyone can be the same, and no one is singled out or made to feel different. However, I don't see how rolling or hemming your skirt is such a big deal if it's not too short. But if it's so short that it becomes a distraction or a problem in school, I think you shld do something about it.

Concerned, I used to do exactly the same thing. It was the late 60's early 70's and the mini skirt was in fashion. Not with our Woman Advisor who used to stalk the corridors looking for the slightest trace of make-up or anything non-uniform. Skirts had to be no more than 1 inch above the knee. I had one of those broad clipped elasticbelts which covered the roll. Never thought about it at the time but it must have put a few inches on my waistline doing that.
Now that I am am more mature and work in education, I can see some of the reasoning behind a lot of the rules, but as concerned says, as long as it is not so short it causes distractions then what is the harm.

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*13 yr old out of control*

Im not sure where to start at this point Im lost and not sure what to do. My daughter is 13. I swear going on 21. She is so wanting to grow up so fast. For the most part she is good kid, Outside of me, she is respectful and kind. She is good in school, in soccer on a premier team this summer she kept busy babysitting and making money. Lately, actually the last year, I;ve been loosing touch. Last year during schhol she skipped school with a boy, to the point I had to take and pick her up from school. Any technology she abuses, cell phone, computer. etc. and everything is a secret. Into witch craft and inspired by goths/or emo's I believe thats what there called, wanting to wear make-up, wearing black. I've recently found a myspace profile that I was unware of, and she was communicating with older boys 18+. and the things she would say, just to be cool was crazy. I couldnt believe it. I feel like she is doing anything and everything to get negative attention. I've talked to her about the make-up/the boys/and the abuse of her cell phone etc. She swears she will never do it again.. this has been said several times after being punished and her cell phone being taking away. I fianally gave her phone back just to take it away in less the 2 days, for abusing it again. After giving her the rules. Her explantation is I wanted to. Im so fustrated that today..I actually blew up and I said some things that I now regret. Its a constant battle to keep her at her own age 13. What is going on. I understand that she wants to be her own person, but there's a limit. I feel like she just wants to be a follower, but at the same time she makes her own decisions and does her own things. Im confused on what to do. I dont want to loose my daughter to BS. But she says that she doesnt want to talk to me, she never wants to talk to me. I offered writing in a journel as a diary to eachother back and forth..but she refuses and hasnt done that. She is a wonderful writer, I know she can communicate. Whats going on. and how do i redirected all her negativity.

I feel for you. A friend of mine has a 13 year old girl who's pretty well behaved and then we both have 7 (soon to be 8 year old girls) who we are constantly wondering about as far as how they will be when they are teens. We have the "if they were anything like us" talks that scare the crap out of us. It's good that you are so concerned and that you are trying to give her options so she can open up to you. With the phone.....I'm sorry, but I would just take it away indefinitely. At least until you've seen a change in her that is considerable. And the computer I'd limit to "school only" work. I remember doing some pretty stupid things when I was a teen over a boy. We moved also after I met him and I still found a way to keep in contact with him by calling one of his friends and giving him the new number. I would sneak out of the house at night to meet up with him. You want to have control and monitor what she is doing without completely restricting everything she does. If you still need to pick her up and drop her off from school I would do that. Keep her in activities and heck add some more on. lol I'm serious....keep her busy. I have my daughter involved in 3 activities ALL the time because as she gets older I want her to have little time to misbehave. Make a point to have to meet/speak to every child's parent that she is going to be in contact with. I never understood why my mother never did this. Wouldn't we as parents want to make sure we knew the parents of the children our child is hanging out with? Stop giving her money also. If her behavior doesn't change don't buy her new clothes, CD's, whatever. I wouldn't let her babysit either to make money. Nix the phone and the computer. And the home phone, don't allow her to answer it anymore and take her phone out of the bedroom if she has one in there. All these things are privileges that need to be earned back over time when her behavior is much better.

Good Luck!
Jesemy

I can't say my situation was as bad as yours sounds, but I did have some problems with my daughter and the computer.

I used spyware to monitor her computer use without her knowing. That way I knew everything she was up to and she had no idea how I was finding out. There are programs available that allow you to do that.

I used one I saw in Oprah's magazine, Spector Pro. It won't solve everything but it will let you see what is going on, it sounds like your eyes are open already but I was shocked to say the least to see what my girl was up to.

Sorry, but I think it's wrong as a 14 year old to do something like that, spying and taking away their privacy.

Instead, you should try to talk to your child. How would feel if you know people were watching your every move online? I sure you wouldn't like it.

I know it seems hard, but I am highly against going through your child's thing without them knowing. Perhaps I shouldn't be talking, as a 14 year old, but I think that if your child respects your privacy, you should respect theirs.

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teen suicide:please help me

2009-04-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

People Comments About
* teen suicide:-please help me*

you probably think right now,that i am a parent,but you would be wrong.i am the teen in the subject.but i need help from people that will atleast respect me,and wont yell at me like everyone else.if you can help me,please keep reading.im 13,and i live in louisiana.we moved here about 6 years ago.ever since about 4 years ago(4th grade)my dad has become ,what was previously,upset,and irratible.constant yelling.treating me&my sister like we shouldnt exist.etc.i dont know what to do any more.i mean,i try to give him signs about how i feel about this,but he doesnt listen to me.he just thinks he's perfect,and everyone else is useless.but the thing that bothers me most,is when friends come over.he's a completely different person in public.its like hes the perfect dad to my friend's eyes.but then,when its just me,my mom,&sister,hes just horrible.and my mom works almost all day,and its worse when shes not around,and when my sister is gone,its even worse.i can tell that he just wants me out of his life.

Because I protect myself from trouble, I don't e-mail people directly. I hope you will check back on this site.

It sounds like maybe your dad has a mental illness, which is not an excuse for him acting like this, but it may be the reason. If he had always acted like this, I would say he is just a jerk, which is also no excuse, but a reason.

Some people are jerks. And sometimes they are fathers, too.

It is good that you understand that the things your dad says are just him being horrible.

If you have already tried to talk to your mom about this, then here is a way that you might get your mom to pay attention. Ask a teacher to call your mom in for a conference. Tell the teacher what is going on so that your teacher can tell your mom to come without your dad. Maybe the teacher can arrange for the school counselor to be there, too. Then talk to your mom about how your dad is treating you when she is there AND when she is not there. Tell her what you want to have happen, and what you NEED to have happen.

Tell us how it goes. You are an articulate and wise person. We need you to grow up and do your part in this world.

The above is good advice and should be taken.

You are a worthwhile person and have a lot to offer.

My childhood was similar to yours. I went to my friends and teachers for validation. At the time the mistreatment seemed like it was going to go on forever and was very difficult to endure.

You just need to realize the fact that your father has issues. Seek out help for yourself and hang in there.

Please talk to a teacher and/or a school counselor about your home situation. You may not realize it, but you are a beautiful person. You are a gift to this world (even though your family may not see it this way). Just look into your heart and you will see that you have the strength to move beyond this. Also, see if there is a teen line in your area, talk to clergy, etc...

I never understood why my dad was so kind and fun to his nieces and friends that we brought around, but he was never nice to me. I was jealous of other kids when he would call them "peanut" and help them build a snowman ... things he NEVER said or did with me.

I never built a true relationship with him, ours was based on my respect and fear of him. He did not have a mental problem as far as I know, but he was a totally different guy around stragers.

I learned when I was older that he really did not know much about kids. He expected more maturity than we were capable of. He is civil to me now that I am grown, but childhood was hell at times. I also think that some parents, instead of building their children up, criticize kids hoping they will improve.

You are an amazing person! Just think about what your mind and body are capable of. You have so much to offer the world even if you don't know what that is right now.

I would say you should try to talk with your mom or a trusted friend. My dad never changed, but it helps to know that HE is the one with the problem. Your dad's behavior may effect you, but it's HIS issue.. Just remember you are good and valuable!

metrogdor2,
I hope you are reading all these replies. There are many people out there, good caring individuals, who understand what you're going through and who want to help. You are 13 yrs old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't feel that b/c your father puts you down, that you are any less of a person. My father, too, was very hard on both my brother and I. I felt I cld never do anything right in his eyes. My mother, on the other hand, wld take a back seat to it all and try to be the peace maker. This instibility can cause a child to feel insecure and uncertain throughout their lives. Please seek counceling for yourself. Talk to your mom, and take the advice of others on this board. You do have so much to offer to this world. Please don't let anyone make you feel you don't. Whatever's going on w/ your father is his problem. He needs help for himself. Right now, though, focus on you, and get yourself help. Let friends support you through this also. Mostly, stay strong. Try to rise above all these negative feelings, and use them to make yourself a better person. One thing that helped me growing up was to become involved in as many activities as I cld at school and in my town. I was able to put my focus and energy into these things, which in turn was an outlet for me.
Please let us know how things go for you. You can do this. Please don't give up.

Where are you at with things metro? How are you feeling? Do you have a plan to help you toward happiness??

Now I understand you and your dad do not have a good relationship and there is alot of good advice being given here but the title of this is TEEN SUICIDE, HELP ME, ARE YOU WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE ARE YOU THINKIN ABOUT IT?? cuz as harsh as this may sound this issue needs to be addressed first before the issues with your dad, cus if you commit suicide there is no more life, this is serious talk to your counselor at school tell your mom how seriously you feel. My 14 yr old just took 5 Zoloft and we had to go to the ER she finally admitted dhe just wanted attention and I believe her because she would have taken all 30 if she really wanted to die not that 5 wasn't bad. She will think twice before she does that again cuz she had to drink charcoal black nasty drink to bottles of it. she was pukin alot. anyway very bad experience to go through when someone has problems that can be worked out with a counselor. Please get some help don't put yourself or your mom through what I have been through

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Relationship between a 16 year old teen with a violent mother

2009-04-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

between a 16 yr old teen with a violent mother*

Hey, I'm a 16 yr old teen, almost 17 on October. I have problems communicating with my mom. I'll explain a little on how it's hard for me to do so.

My mom has two teens, me and my sister, she's 11 months younger than me. She is also having problems with my dad, because he basically doesn't do all the things he has to do. It's like my mom's the head of the household and all that.

OK. My mom has this weird chauvinistic mentality, where she thinks that by obligation a man has to take care of everything in the house or in any situation. In a way I understand, I mean, I get that men have to be the head of the household and take major responsibility in the family, you know, like being the organizer and make all the choices, of course with the consult of the wife and all.... but that's not the point. The thing is that she thinks like that and I think like both, men and women are equal, and sure not let the women handle things that men can do if it's their responsibility.

I guess my mom is like that 'cause she's like both, husband and wife, basically she does everything.

So, my problem with her is that she is so violent that she gets mad for every single thing, and when she gets mad at someone and we happen to ask her something, she talks to us aggressively.

That's why I'm not very close to her, and I have like 3 or 4 months that I stopped talking to her about everything. Basically due to her bad attitude everytime she talks to me with a violent voice, I talk back. Also, she is very controlling and I don't know how can I get my freedom, I mean, everytime I want to go somewhere I have to ask permission like a 3 year old, and when I go to a party she wants me to get back home at 11pm, when the party actually starts a that time and ends like at 2-3am

She's always complaining that I'm that not very active and that I stopped talking with her like I used to, but the thing is that when I do she just keeps on talking and never lets me finish my thought, that's why I don't talk to her. The only way I can live on is by staying in my room and do anything I want in there without her bothering me and trying to get things out of me, when there's nothing I feel she has to know.

That's my problem with her, that's why I'm not very close to her, and because my father lives in another country I can't talk to him 'cause there's nothing he can do, and again he's irresponsible, and will probably give horrible advice.

Is there anyway I can get my freedom and improve my relationship with her? Plus, I think she's going to a shrink, though, I think it isn't accurate. Oh, and is there anyway I can make her stop talking to me so aggressively? Thanks

PS: I'm not sure, but I know I'm like the only teen that actually writes about this stuff. Again, thanks! :)

Author: tamz
Replied: 8/21/2008 10:23am.

junior - The first thing I think you can do here is to move outside your own need and try to imagine how it feels to be completely responsible for two other people and how that might cause anxiety. At 16 I can also see why your mother would want you in the house by 11:00. I really don't think that is unreasonable. However, it can be so difficult to be around a person who is, most often, negative and aggressive. I used to have a lot of resentment because I was raising my boys all alone without any help and I was mean and I regret it soooo much now!! I can see by your post that you are good at expressing your thoughts in writing. Do you think you could tell you mother how your feeling in a letter? You have to be very careful not to criticize but focus more on how her actions make you feel. Start our by letting her know that you appreciate the good things she does for you. Also let her know that you were a little scared to write the letter because you don't want to hurt her or make her mad. Then tell her you would like to see her happy more often and that when she talks to you in an aggessive and negative way it make you want to isolate yourself from her. Tell her the reason you don't confide in her any more is because you fear she will get negative or angry. Leave the letter for her when she has some time away from you to digest it. Tell her that you were hoping to discuss your letter and ask her if she would please try to be open minded to a discussion.

Author: acitez
Replied: 8/21/2008 11:57am.

My 17 year old son does at least a half hour of family chores every day, more on weekends, in addition to taking care of his own room and clothing. He also has a 10 p.m. curfew on weekdays and a midnight curfew on weekends unless it is a special chaperoned activity. We are blessed to have his dad in the home as a good example of how to be a man, so I don't talk to him much about the subject. He takes responsibility for his schoolwork, and he has a part-time job and saves most of that money. I don't think he's the only teenager that steps up to the plate this way.

He's not always happy about it, short term. He gets over it. He knows he won't always be a teenager, that someday he'll be completely responsible for his decisions and then he will do what he wants.

I think your mom is doing a good job. Tell her, "Thank you," for being such a good mom. It might help her stop yelling at you.

Author: concerned ...
Replied: 8/21/2008 12:42pm.

I agree w/ Tamz that your mom is probably under a lot of stress. I also agree that she's right to set a curfew for you of 11 p.m. 3 a.m. is very late for a 16 yr old. Try helping your mom around the house more, taking a little of the weight off her shoulders. I know this is a hard thing to do if your mom is always yelling at you, but try. Also, talk to your mom or write a letter as Tamz has suggested. Maybe you all can go to family counceling together. As for your dad, I'm sorry he's not in your life. That's got to be really hard on all of you. I hope you can find the strength amongst yourselves to stick together and therefore grow even stronger from this experience. Best of luck to you and your family.

Author: juniorp_12...
Replied: 8/21/2008 8:41pm.

I see. I also do chores. I help around the house with my sister, I'd even think I help her doing all the chores that mostly females do. I don't mind helping, but sometimes she acts as if I don't, and that I'm always home doing nothing. Also, it looks like we have trouble communicating, she asks me to do something and it results in that she wanted me to do something else. So when I try to explain calmly, there comes her aggressiveness, and she starts to lecture me (aggressively) and doesn't let me express my feelings.

I guess I can write a letter, and let her know how I feel through that, then we can talk about it.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this, I really want to fix my relationship with her.

Author: concerned ...
Replied: 8/22/2008 8:20am.

It sounds like your efforts are sincere and that you truly want to have a close relationship w/ your mom. Try to be patient and understanding. This is hard on your mom too. Growing up, I had a difficult time connecting to my dad. I felt like he was always standing over my shoulder critiquing everything I did and finding fault in whatever he could. He wld yell at me often, and even when I tried to explain my position, I felt he didn't listen. My mom was sick for about 10 yrs w/ cancer, and that put a lot of stress on my dad. I understand now how he must've felt and how difficult everything was on him. We now have a much closer relationship. Hang in there.
One suggestion that might be helpful to you wld be to get yourself out of the house part of the day and keep busy. Is it possible for you to get a part-time job or even for you to volunteer somewhere in your community? You can also join activities, sports, whatever after school and spend time w/ friends that way. I think this'll help take a lot of the stress off you at home. Still be supportive of your mom as much as you can, but enjoy your life too.

Author: tamz
Replied: 8/22/2008 11:48am.

Remember, the letter is just a suggestion and it may be effective, but it may not. If you mother is in the habit of parenting you with yelling and aggression, it might take some time for her to realize what she is doing and change things. I believe it's a great start to get communicating on this subject, I'm just saying don't give up if things don't turn around right away. The suggestions that "concerned" offered are important either way. Get yourself out and start to get some accomplishments of your own, if it's sports or a PT job or whatever. Keep a positive attitude! Good luck!!

Author: juniorp_12...
Replied: 8/22/2008 9:47pm.

I do get out of the house sometimes, but where I live I need a ride everywhere. Though, there are times that I go walking to the places I need to get to.

I play tennis with my friends a lot, and I also go out swimming in a nearby country club. But like I said, it's kind of hard to reach those places, the only way is by getting a ride or if I have the energy to walk.
I don't mind, but when I try walking, my mom doesn't like the idea of it being too far, and when I need her to take me to those places, she puts on a fit.

That's what I meant by freedom, it's hard for me to go somewhere without bothering my mom 'cause she doesn't let me go anywhere a lone, she's really over protective.

Well, After the first comments you have made, I did talk to her and she agrees with me and she said that she'll try to speak better to us (me & my sister).

Again thanks, and I appreciate it.

Author: Tay
Replied: 11/17/2008 4:34pm.

Well what i can tell you is never give up on your mama. Being that i am the same age as you have to do is pray for your mother. Being that your father is a irresponsible man its time for you to step up and become the man of the house. She might treat u the way the way she do but she loves you. Dont give up boy take it to the lord and he will fix it. Just like on "Madea I can do bad by my self" at the end they was Saying "no matter what you going through god is the answer". What they mean about that take to jesus no matter your problem no matter your situation and he will deliver you from that situation .You pray go to church and handle your buisness even if you have to get a job do that then. Do you have any relatives or close neighbors that you can talk to. Always talk to your mother cause think about this there is somebody in the world that dont have a mother that cared for them and somewhere in the world its somebody who dont have a home or no one to care about them and jus to say they would love to have what you have.

Valente'
PS: (Of course you not the only teen writing about this type of stuff) of course you always welcome

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Why Spanking Is a Bad Idea

2009-03-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Using physical pain is a terrible way to raise a child. No form of punishment should involve hitting or spanking with a hand or any object. This is child abuse and those who abuse their children should be ashamed of themselves. I take pitty on the child who has to endure being hit by his/her parents DNT DO IT
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Re: Why Spanking Is a Bad Idea
Using physical pain is a terrible way to raise a child. No form of punishment should involve hitting or spanking with a hand or any object. This is child abuse and those who abuse their children should be ashamed of themselves. I take pitty on the child who has to endure being hit by his/her parents.
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Arguments for Spanking and Problems With Them
1)"My parents spanked me and I'm fine with it."
Parents do all kinds of things that aren't the best way to handle a situation, without a terribly negative outcome. That doesn't automatically mean that it's a good idea. Stacie's mom sounds like a 'good' spanker, if you can use the term; but frankly, most parents aren't that consistent or controlled. Nor, again, does it mean that there aren't any better ways to discipline. 2) I really, really hate the 'touch the stove and you'll get burned' rationale. You can drive a boat show through the holes in this comparison. The stove is not a human being. It is never going to be angry, or drunk, or upset. It is never going to misjudge distance or force. And most importantly, the child does not love the stove and will never associate violence or pain or indignity with love. We live in a society with out-of-control violence, and I'm not talking about crime and drugs and gangs; I'm talking about husbands hitting wives and kids and girlfriends, and it escalating until someone is maimed or dead. If you hit kids, however you rationalize it, you are teaching them that hitting's okay if you're the bigger one. We are ALL paying the price for it, and it's time to stop. If you can't figure out how to teach your kids right from wrong, or keep them safe without hitting them, you need to swallow your pride and talk to your pediatrician about better ways to discipline.
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I got spanked and lived to tell
I can't say I have a firm position on this debate. The experts have good points, and the parents who spanked and have well-adjusted kids have good points. I will say this, though: I got spanked and I appreciate the way my mother did it. When we got spanked, we KNEW we had exhausted our chances. It was a predictable consequence, we knew it was coming because we had been TOLD and TOLD to change our behavior -- and warned that this would be the outcome if we did not heed her. She did NOT just grab us and beat our butts as an outlet to her anger. She took it seriously, did it infrequently, and used it as part of a graduated, predictable discipline process, and then talked to us about it. Also, we were spanked just hard enough to get our attention, not to injure or leave marks.
I don't resent her for it, I don't feel abused. The way she set it up, I am very clear that I was the agent of getting spanked on the few occasions it happened. Maybe 5-8 times in my entire childhood. I was warned; I persisted; I got what I was told was coming. I think this is the difference. I do NOT endorse spanking as a physical outlet to parental anger, an excuse to yank your kids around and hit them because you're frustrated. But I DO endorse a way to teach kids that you will reap the consequences of your actions. If spanking works for that (and all families and kids are different) then I don't have a problem with it. I also don't endorse teachers spanking; studies show that people are more likely to abuse or overpunish kids that are not their own. (This includes step-parents, so some caution is in order there, too.) Anyway, the results of my mom's system: people complimented her that we were well-behaved kids. They wanted to be around us. We got good reviews in school. Teachers liked us. We got good grades. We grew up understanding that we were responsible for holding up our end of the bargain. It worked for us. I'm not saying that it's appropriate to all families or all types of kid personalities. I'm not saying that parents should present themselves as all-powerful, or endorse violence as a solution to anger (again, Mom didn't spank when she was angry; she got very serious and explained why it was happening). But I also have yet to be convinced that it's always a bad idea -- or that outsiders should presume they know what works best for everyone without taking time to understand the dynamics of a particular family. It's complicated, and there are no easy answers. I think that's why it's such a long-standing and potent debate; there isn't a blanket answer that's appropriate for everyone, despite people's strong emotional feelings about it.
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Spanking
I am a retired 63 year old former Marine, Business manager and coach. I now volunteer helping with 6th and 8th grade math. The teachers today have no chance to teach most kids because they're busy trying to keep controlled the few who will not listen, will not be quiet and are physically disruptive. In most cases those are the kids who have never been disciplined; their parents have either ignored them, or worse, made excuses for them when confronted by authorities. My child did not act like that because they did allow corporal punishment when he was in school and if he was spanked there he had to face me at home. Disrespect and insubordination was not allowed.
Now the teacher must accept that disrespect and insubordination because there is no immediate consequence for the child. The fact that they may drop out of school and live in poverty is too abstract. So the teacher sends them to the office, the office sends them to the counselor, (which is paid for my my tax dollars) and the counselor tells them to be good and go back to class. Nothing accomplished. In the mean time the children without discipline problems are short-changed in what they are being taught because the teachers time and the districts resources are being diverted to take care of kids who wont listen. Corporal punishment, not abuse, can correct a lot of this. I've seen it first hand. If you havent been in your local school and seen it firsthand you really cant appreciate the problem.
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father of 2 and manufacturer of educational toys
Spanking is bad, period. And although experts have provided ample evidence to backup their claims that spanking is bad, many parents like the ones below still choose to hit their children. How can anyone spank their child with love ? This is totally outrageous. If you love your child, then it must be unconditional -not seasonal. If your child is : throwing a tantrum, screaming in the store, hitting other kids, swearing, throwing things, etc,etc, then it is most probably because of some action or behaviour they copied from you, or wathcing WWF, or in their immediate environment. So if your child has done something wrong, then you cannot hit them, because in most cases, you are to blame. So you are the one who needs the spanking ! And it's not only uneducated parents who spank their children, so-called "college educated" are just as guilty. These dim parents think that because they were spanked as kids, then they should now do the same to their kids ? This should never be the case. Parents today need to understand that in the past, most parents (and society in general) did not possess the understanding and knowledge of child psychology that we have today. So it makes sense that we need to evaluate lessons from the past and look at how we can improve forthe future. I was spanked as a child and it really hurt me inside. Today, I am 40 yrs old and this pain has recently come back to haunt me. I can assure you, its not a good feeling. Many times it brings me to tears when I relive those moments. I feel so helpless. I think about how I used to cower away in my "safespot" after by spankings. It always left me scared and afraid. I have two children today. A girl and a boy, ages 12 and 9 respectively. I have never spanked them or beated them in anyway because I wanted the cycle to stop with me.
My children are simply wonderful and are stars at home and in school. I hope one day they will take some of the positive parenting that I used and combine them with their own values and ideas when they become parents. I believe that every parent should do this - take some of the good (if any) from their parents - and improve on this. In this way, we not only evolve and improve our parenting skills, but we improve as humans. Dale Phillip
Port Elizabeth,
South Africa
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Teacher and parent of 4 children
I can tell just by observing children, which child is spanked, these children are more aggressively outward with peers. Most doctors, councilors, teachers,psychologist and child development professionals can quickly spot children in a store, who come from a home where spanking is first form of punishment. I don't want to be hit by anyone, why should I want that for my child? I spanked my oldest twice when she was a child and I didn't like how it made me feel, my second child never got spanked ever. Children don't like telling other children their parents spank, I've had children cry to me that they are spanked and they get emotionally upset and break down with just the thought of it. Not even the dog whisper "Cesar Millan" uses corporal punishment on his dogs! Are children lesser than dogs? I don't condone men hitting wives, children,animals or anyone who can't hit back or leave ... I broke the cycle of spanking with my first child --even though it was twice--it was twice too much! I don't want others spanking my child, if I don't want others spanking my child then I should not be hypocrite and do it in my own abode. Children need quite times on the couch to gently cool them down thus bringing their negative behavior to a calm state. *think of it as rebooting the computer* For the women/men that spank, they need to take classes in college "Behavior Management For Children & Teens* also read these web sites... Your children will be upset with you for spanking them when little, it will surface in their 30's or 40's and at that time they will let you know how they really felt and some might not even let you watch your future grand children--in fear you might spank their children. I've raised 4 children and I'm in my 50's.
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Re: Why Spanking Is a Bad Idea
As a mother of two with a degree in education, I find that spanking done in a consistent, loving environment produces well-adjusted kids who are free to explore and learn to their heart's content. This mild form of corporal punishment actually restores the relationship between child and parents after the child has been punished because spanking allows the child to truly acknowlege his actions and ask for forgiveness. If the parent is calm and not flying off in anger, the child is presented with the opportunity to deal with the disobedience and go on with all the hugging and kisses and cuddling to show how much love is there. In my experience, the daily hugs and kisses far outnumber the occasionally weekly spankings b/c we are communicating with our kids what they should be doing, not emphasizing what they should not be doing. In our house, we only give spankings for out right disobedience or disrespectfulness. If you can get through the hurdles of the two and three year old assertion of independence and use it for a teaching time of what is expected of their behavior, spankings will just be an occasional tool to teach consequences
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Spanking is right, if done right
I am a mother of 6 and I do agree with spanking. It is at the foundation of child rearing. I do side with those that agree spanking can be taken out of the rehelm of what it is really for. It should never be done out of anger and should always be accompianied with love, a reason given for the spanking and a hug when finished. If spanking was used prior to age 5 consistently, spankings should end around this age.
For those who never have spanked their children, you might not know the value in it. If carried out correctly it is one of the best ways for children to release their anger, yes children. God created pain for learning purposes too. "Don't touch a hot stove or you'll get burned". Pain releases a child's frustration and puts an end to that current consequence. It releases the child to "know" that their discipline is over.
It also aids in helping a child realize there will be pain involved in participating in that forbidden activity again. They will think twice about engaging in it.
If you knew there was pain involved in something, you would think twice about doing it, if you knew there was a "time out" of just sitting on a bench, then you might weigh the reasoning.
I work with many teenagers and you can tell the ones that were not spanked (for the most part).
Those that were spanked were more obedient to their parents, didn't talk back nearly as much, had more respect for adults in general. Those that didn't get spanked were mouthy to their own parents, were not respectful to other adults and were not really nice to be around. They didn't have many boundaries and were unruley. I know this may seem like a hard pill to swallow, but, this has been proven in my personal case studies.
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Oh, where to begin...
I am a mom of five children and we do chose to spank as a last resort for open defiance. I'll be honest, I hate it! I hate having to punish my children when I know they know better. However, I feel if they are choosing to be disobedient then they are choosing the punishment. The "studies" may show that less educated parents spank their children, but do they also show whose children are

I disagree with this article. I am a mother of 4 and a college graduate, and I use spanking as a form of discipline. I have been complimented several times on my parenting and on my children. I see nothing wrong with spanking, as long as it is used appropriately. My children have not been traumatized nor their self-esteem been lowered by being spanked. On the contrary, spanking has helped (along with consistent and loving parenting) instill in them respect, obedience and self-control. They are all well-behaved, well-adjusted children. Contrary to what this article says about damaging a child's sense of security, I have found that it helps establish a clear sense of stability and security. By knowing what their boundaries are and what the conseqences will be for negative behavior, children feel secure and rooted and, therefore, flourish. There are parents who take corporal punishment to an extreme, where it becomes abusive. But not all spanking is wrong. Bottom line is there is not one right way to parent. Parenting styles vary. But, if parents choose to use spanking as a form of discipline, and do so responsibly and appropriately, they should not be made to feel like they are abusing their children.

Parents Discussion Topics

2009-03-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

*How to handle "perfect moms"*

Hi all! I'm just wondering if any other ladies out there would like to share their suggestions on dealing with other mom's who look down on you (maybe not what they say, but how they act or don't act) because of your children's behaviors or actions.

Let me explain a little of my dilemna....
My oldest son is ADD and on the high end of the Autism spectrum. He is very bright, but also has those oppositional behaviors which can be tough to deal with. My youngest son has some PDD tendiencies as well and probably ADD, but not diagnosed. So my boys tend to pick at each other and tend to be quite oppostional.

My husband and I do correct our children and are getting help to deal with their behaviors. Anyways there are other mom's that I interact with ... bus stop, church, etc. that I feel judge me as a mom by my boy's behavior. Sometimes they don't talk to me, and sometimes I get looks, etc. I am so tired of these "perfect" moms and am wondering what you gals suggest to do.

I don't think it is any of their business my sons' diagnoses and don't want to share that with them. How do you guys respond or not respond to mom's like this and how do you pick yourselves up when these mom's act this way and you are feeling like crap? (and oh,telling them off wouldn't be good, because they are mom's I have to interact with)

Hoping for some suggestions! Thanks.

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*Special Education Question For Parents*

Hi there,
I am a parent of a child in special education. B/c our son's only 4 yrs old, he hasn't been officially diagnosed yet. This has been frustrating for us, not knowing what the future holds for him. At this time, we have come to accept his disability, and we've been putting most of our energy into helping him. This is both rewarding, yet stressful at the same time. Having a child w/ special needs takes a lot out of you, and there are days when it's really hard to deal with everything. Overall, though, we have seen a lot of progress in our son since he first started school, and we are so proud of his accomplishments. It's all worth the effort, and this experience has taught us so much. It has also brought us closer together as a family.
Currently our son is attending 2 schools: our town public pre-k and a private special ed pre-school. We have always had a good relationship w/ our son's teachers/therapists in the private school. We use a notebook to communicate any concerns or questions we may have, or just to share some positive feedback. This works great for us since our son is bused to school and we don't get the opportunity to speak to the teachers in person. On the other hand, it's been difficult for us to communicate w/ the teacher at the public school b/c she not only doesn't use a communication notebook, but she's very difficult to get in touch w/. For this reason, among others, we prefer the private school and feel it's a much better fit for our son at this time.
You are entering a very rewarding career. Enjoy every moment of it. I hope my information has been helpful.

Having a child with a disability can impact hard on a family. A lot of course depends on the severity of the disability.
Personally, I have a son who has ADHD and another who has ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome. The elder child was never diagnosed as such and spent his school career in special schools labelled 'bad boy'. Of course, with that came the shadow diagnosis of 'bad parenting'. He was brought up exactly as his older brother and sister, and they had no problems. When my youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome, it was suggested that his brother was probably the same. TOO LATE FOR HIM. This is an 'invisible' disability. People outside, when you go out in a family, stare and make comments about this wild child, and the parents who can't 'control' him. Outings get less and less and the other children miss out too. . There are some days when you despair and just want your child to be 'normal' and do 'normal' things. As they say, ADHD makes good parents look like bad parents. Other impacts are that parents will be under more pressure and stress, which can ruin marriages and relationships.
I am not sure how much I can give you on the question about collaboration with teachers as I live in Britain and our system may be different. I guess the basics would be pretty similar though. With my son I would be talking about 13 years ago and I know from my professional work that things have changed a lot in Education since then. My son spent his first term in school [ age 5, Primary 1] regularly excluded. In the end, I had to withdraw him from education and force their hand to do something for him. He ended up getting an hour a day tuition until they could find a school which would accept him. It took my son nearly killing himself for them to take some notice. He was then give a place in a special unit to be assessed. He then attended 'special school' for two years before being slowly re-introduced to mainstream school. Having a diagnosis made a big world of difference then to the way teachers collaborated with us. Suddenly they wanted to work with us the parents to get the best for my son. We had a communication book for this, but also regular meetings and reviews to discuss how progress was.
This is the reason I went back to college to become an Early Years Practitioner. Now I can spot problem areas some of the children have and get them help as soon as possible. Prevention is better than cure, and the earlier a child gets help, the more we can help them reach their potential.
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*Short Skirts*

I'm surprised the school allows her to alter the uniform. It's really not "uniform" if her's is shorter. I would think that she wants to be a little sexy if she is shortening her skirt. Women want to be sexy and at 17 she is probably just starting to experiment with her sex appeal. However, school is not the proper place. In the workforce, I am required to keep a certain professional look. When I hang out with my friends or go out, I like to look kinda sexy. I think your daughter should maintain a certain professionalism in school.

Brings back memories.... I went to an all girls Catholic HS (although the boys were on the other side of the building), and we used to roll our skirts to make them shorter. There was this very rigid VP that used to stand in the hallway handing out demerits for every little thing. Rolling your skirt was one of them. I laugh about it now, but at the time I found it ridiculous! I believe her thinking was that the focus should be on education, not on distractions such as this. And a uniform is worn so that everyone can be the same, and no one is singled out or made to feel different. However, I don't see how rolling or hemming your skirt is such a big deal if it's not too short. But if it's so short that it becomes a distraction or a problem in school, I think you shld do something about it.

Concerned, I used to do exactly the same thing. It was the late 60's early 70's and the mini skirt was in fashion. Not with our Woman Advisor who used to stalk the corridors looking for the slightest trace of make-up or anything non-uniform. Skirts had to be no more than 1 inch above the knee. I had one of those broad clipped elasticbelts which covered the roll. Never thought about it at the time but it must have put a few inches on my waistline doing that.
Now that I am am more mature and work in education, I can see some of the reasoning behind a lot of the rules, but as concerned says, as long as it is not so short it causes distractions then what is the harm.
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*13 yr old out of control*

Im not sure where to start at this point Im lost and not sure what to do. My daughter is 13. I swear going on 21. She is so wanting to grow up so fast. For the most part she is good kid, Outside of me, she is respectful and kind. She is good in school, in soccer on a premier team this summer she kept busy babysitting and making money. Lately, actually the last year, I;ve been loosing touch. Last year during schhol she skipped school with a boy, to the point I had to take and pick her up from school. Any technology she abuses, cell phone, computer. etc. and everything is a secret. Into witch craft and inspired by goths/or emo's I believe thats what there called, wanting to wear make-up, wearing black. I've recently found a myspace profile that I was unware of, and she was communicating with older boys 18+. and the things she would say, just to be cool was crazy. I couldnt believe it. I feel like she is doing anything and everything to get negative attention. I've talked to her about the make-up/the boys/and the abuse of her cell phone etc. She swears she will never do it again.. this has been said several times after being punished and her cell phone being taking away. I fianally gave her phone back just to take it away in less the 2 days, for abusing it again. After giving her the rules. Her explantation is I wanted to. Im so fustrated that today..I actually blew up and I said some things that I now regret. Its a constant battle to keep her at her own age 13. What is going on. I understand that she wants to be her own person, but there's a limit. I feel like she just wants to be a follower, but at the same time she makes her own decisions and does her own things. Im confused on what to do. I dont want to loose my daughter to BS. But she says that she doesnt want to talk to me, she never wants to talk to me. I offered writing in a journel as a diary to eachother back and forth..but she refuses and hasnt done that. She is a wonderful writer, I know she can communicate. Whats going on. and how do i redirected all her negativity.

I feel for you. A friend of mine has a 13 year old girl who's pretty well behaved and then we both have 7 (soon to be 8 year old girls) who we are constantly wondering about as far as how they will be when they are teens. We have the "if they were anything like us" talks that scare the crap out of us. It's good that you are so concerned and that you are trying to give her options so she can open up to you. With the phone.....I'm sorry, but I would just take it away indefinitely. At least until you've seen a change in her that is considerable. And the computer I'd limit to "school only" work. I remember doing some pretty stupid things when I was a teen over a boy. We moved also after I met him and I still found a way to keep in contact with him by calling one of his friends and giving him the new number. I would sneak out of the house at night to meet up with him. You want to have control and monitor what she is doing without completely restricting everything she does. If you still need to pick her up and drop her off from school I would do that. Keep her in activities and heck add some more on. lol I'm serious....keep her busy. I have my daughter involved in 3 activities ALL the time because as she gets older I want her to have little time to misbehave. Make a point to have to meet/speak to every child's parent that she is going to be in contact with. I never understood why my mother never did this. Wouldn't we as parents want to make sure we knew the parents of the children our child is hanging out with? Stop giving her money also. If her behavior doesn't change don't buy her new clothes, CD's, whatever. I wouldn't let her babysit either to make money. Nix the phone and the computer. And the home phone, don't allow her to answer it anymore and take her phone out of the bedroom if she has one in there. All these things are privileges that need to be earned back over time when her behavior is much better.

Good Luck!
Jesemy

I can't say my situation was as bad as yours sounds, but I did have some problems with my daughter and the computer.

I used spyware to monitor her computer use without her knowing. That way I knew everything she was up to and she had no idea how I was finding out. There are programs available that allow you to do that.

I used one I saw in Oprah's magazine, Spector Pro. It won't solve everything but it will let you see what is going on, it sounds like your eyes are open already but I was shocked to say the least to see what my girl was up to.

Sorry, but I think it's wrong as a 14 year old to do something like that, spying and taking away their privacy.

Instead, you should try to talk to your child. How would feel if you know people were watching your every move online? I sure you wouldn't like it.

I know it seems hard, but I am highly against going through your child's thing without them knowing. Perhaps I shouldn't be talking, as a 14 year old, but I think that if your child respects your privacy, you should respect theirs.
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* teen suicide:please help me*

you probably think right now,that i am a parent,but you would be wrong.i am the teen in the subject.but i need help from people that will atleast respect me,and wont yell at me like everyone else.if you can help me,please keep reading.im 13,and i live in louisiana.we moved here about 6 years ago.ever since about 4 years ago(4th grade)my dad has become ,what was previously,upset,and irratible.constant yelling.treating me&my sister like we shouldnt exist.etc.i dont know what to do any more.i mean,i try to give him signs about how i feel about this,but he doesnt listen to me.he just thinks he's perfect,and everyone else is useless.but the thing that bothers me most,is when friends come over.he's a completely different person in public.its like hes the perfect dad to my friend's eyes.but then,when its just me,my mom,&sister,hes just horrible.and my mom works almost all day,and its worse when shes not around,and when my sister is gone,its even worse.i can tell that he just wants me out of his life.

Because I protect myself from trouble, I don't e-mail people directly. I hope you will check back on this site.

It sounds like maybe your dad has a mental illness, which is not an excuse for him acting like this, but it may be the reason. If he had always acted like this, I would say he is just a jerk, which is also no excuse, but a reason.

Some people are jerks. And sometimes they are fathers, too.

It is good that you understand that the things your dad says are just him being horrible.

If you have already tried to talk to your mom about this, then here is a way that you might get your mom to pay attention. Ask a teacher to call your mom in for a conference. Tell the teacher what is going on so that your teacher can tell your mom to come without your dad. Maybe the teacher can arrange for the school counselor to be there, too. Then talk to your mom about how your dad is treating you when she is there AND when she is not there. Tell her what you want to have happen, and what you NEED to have happen.

Tell us how it goes. You are an articulate and wise person. We need you to grow up and do your part in this world.

The above is good advice and should be taken.

You are a worthwhile person and have a lot to offer.

My childhood was similar to yours. I went to my friends and teachers for validation. At the time the mistreatment seemed like it was going to go on forever and was very difficult to endure.

You just need to realize the fact that your father has issues. Seek out help for yourself and hang in there.

Please talk to a teacher and/or a school counselor about your home situation. You may not realize it, but you are a beautiful person. You are a gift to this world (even though your family may not see it this way). Just look into your heart and you will see that you have the strength to move beyond this. Also, see if there is a teen line in your area, talk to clergy, etc...

I never understood why my dad was so kind and fun to his nieces and friends that we brought around, but he was never nice to me. I was jealous of other kids when he would call them "peanut" and help them build a snowman ... things he NEVER said or did with me.

I never built a true relationship with him, ours was based on my respect and fear of him. He did not have a mental problem as far as I know, but he was a totally different guy around stragers.

I learned when I was older that he really did not know much about kids. He expected more maturity than we were capable of. He is civil to me now that I am grown, but childhood was hell at times. I also think that some parents, instead of building their children up, criticize kids hoping they will improve.

You are an amazing person! Just think about what your mind and body are capable of. You have so much to offer the world even if you don't know what that is right now.

I would say you should try to talk with your mom or a trusted friend. My dad never changed, but it helps to know that HE is the one with the problem. Your dad's behavior may effect you, but it's HIS issue.. Just remember you are good and valuable!

metrogdor2,
I hope you are reading all these replies. There are many people out there, good caring individuals, who understand what you're going through and who want to help. You are 13 yrs old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't feel that b/c your father puts you down, that you are any less of a person. My father, too, was very hard on both my brother and I. I felt I cld never do anything right in his eyes. My mother, on the other hand, wld take a back seat to it all and try to be the peace maker. This instibility can cause a child to feel insecure and uncertain throughout their lives. Please seek counceling for yourself. Talk to your mom, and take the advice of others on this board. You do have so much to offer to this world. Please don't let anyone make you feel you don't. Whatever's going on w/ your father is his problem. He needs help for himself. Right now, though, focus on you, and get yourself help. Let friends support you through this also. Mostly, stay strong. Try to rise above all these negative feelings, and use them to make yourself a better person. One thing that helped me growing up was to become involved in as many activities as I cld at school and in my town. I was able to put my focus and energy into these things, which in turn was an outlet for me.
Please let us know how things go for you. You can do this. Please don't give up.

Where are you at with things metro? How are you feeling? Do you have a plan to help you toward happiness??

Now I understand you and your dad do not have a good relationship and there is alot of good advice being given here but the title of this is TEEN SUICIDE, HELP ME, ARE YOU WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE ARE YOU THINKIN ABOUT IT?? cuz as harsh as this may sound this issue needs to be addressed first before the issues with your dad, cus if you commit suicide there is no more life, this is serious talk to your counselor at school tell your mom how seriously you feel. My 14 yr old just took 5 Zoloft and we had to go to the ER she finally admitted dhe just wanted attention and I believe her because she would have taken all 30 if she really wanted to die not that 5 wasn't bad. She will think twice before she does that again cuz she had to drink charcoal black nasty drink to bottles of it. she was pukin alot. anyway very bad experience to go through when someone has problems that can be worked out with a counselor. Please get some help don't put yourself or your mom through what I have been through .
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*Relationship between a 16 yr old teen with a violent mother*

Hey, I'm a 16 yr old teen, almost 17 on October. I have problems communicating with my mom. I'll explain a little on how it's hard for me to do so.

My mom has two teens, me and my sister, she's 11 months younger than me. She is also having problems with my dad, because he basically doesn't do all the things he has to do. It's like my mom's the head of the household and all that.

OK. My mom has this weird chauvinistic mentality, where she thinks that by obligation a man has to take care of everything in the house or in any situation. In a way I understand, I mean, I get that men have to be the head of the household and take major responsibility in the family, you know, like being the organizer and make all the choices, of course with the consult of the wife and all.... but that's not the point. The thing is that she thinks like that and I think like both, men and women are equal, and sure not let the women handle things that men can do if it's their responsibility.

I guess my mom is like that 'cause she's like both, husband and wife, basically she does everything.

So, my problem with her is that she is so violent that she gets mad for every single thing, and when she gets mad at someone and we happen to ask her something, she talks to us aggressively.

That's why I'm not very close to her, and I have like 3 or 4 months that I stopped talking to her about everything. Basically due to her bad attitude everytime she talks to me with a violent voice, I talk back. Also, she is very controlling and I don't know how can I get my freedom, I mean, everytime I want to go somewhere I have to ask permission like a 3 year old, and when I go to a party she wants me to get back home at 11pm, when the party actually starts a that time and ends like at 2-3am

She's always complaining that I'm that not very active and that I stopped talking with her like I used to, but the thing is that when I do she just keeps on talking and never lets me finish my thought, that's why I don't talk to her. The only way I can live on is by staying in my room and do anything I want in there without her bothering me and trying to get things out of me, when there's nothing I feel she has to know.

That's my problem with her, that's why I'm not very close to her, and because my father lives in another country I can't talk to him 'cause there's nothing he can do, and again he's irresponsible, and will probably give horrible advice.

Is there anyway I can get my freedom and improve my relationship with her? Plus, I think she's going to a shrink, though, I think it isn't accurate. Oh, and is there anyway I can make her stop talking to me so aggressively? Thanks

PS: I'm not sure, but I know I'm like the only teen that actually writes about this stuff. Again, thanks! :)

junior - The first thing I think you can do here is to move outside your own need and try to imagine how it feels to be completely responsible for two other people and how that might cause anxiety. At 16 I can also see why your mother would want you in the house by 11:00. I really don't think that is unreasonable. However, it can be so difficult to be around a person who is, most often, negative and aggressive. I used to have a lot of resentment because I was raising my boys all alone without any help and I was mean and I regret it soooo much now!! I can see by your post that you are good at expressing your thoughts in writing. Do you think you could tell you mother how your feeling in a letter? You have to be very careful not to criticize but focus more on how her actions make you feel. Start our by letting her know that you appreciate the good things she does for you. Also let her know that you were a little scared to write the letter because you don't want to hurt her or make her mad. Then tell her you would like to see her happy more often and that when she talks to you in an aggessive and negative way it make you want to isolate yourself from her. Tell her the reason you don't confide in her any more is because you fear she will get negative or angry. Leave the letter for her when she has some time away from you to digest it. Tell her that you were hoping to discuss your letter and ask her if she would please try to be open minded to a discussion.

My 17 year old son does at least a half hour of family chores every day, more on weekends, in addition to taking care of his own room and clothing. He also has a 10 p.m. curfew on weekdays and a midnight curfew on weekends unless it is a special chaperoned activity. We are blessed to have his dad in the home as a good example of how to be a man, so I don't talk to him much about the subject. He takes responsibility for his schoolwork, and he has a part-time job and saves most of that money. I don't think he's the only teenager that steps up to the plate this way.

He's not always happy about it, short term. He gets over it. He knows he won't always be a teenager, that someday he'll be completely responsible for his decisions and then he will do what he wants.

I think your mom is doing a good job. Tell her, "Thank you," for being such a good mom. It might help her stop yelling at you.

I agree w/ Tamz that your mom is probably under a lot of stress. I also agree that she's right to set a curfew for you of 11 p.m. 3 a.m. is very late for a 16 yr old. Try helping your mom around the house more, taking a little of the weight off her shoulders. I know this is a hard thing to do if your mom is always yelling at you, but try. Also, talk to your mom or write a letter as Tamz has suggested. Maybe you all can go to family counceling together. As for your dad, I'm sorry he's not in your life. That's got to be really hard on all of you. I hope you can find the strength amongst yourselves to stick together and therefore grow even stronger from this experience. Best of luck to you and your family.

I see. I also do chores. I help around the house with my sister, I'd even think I help her doing all the chores that mostly females do. I don't mind helping, but sometimes she acts as if I don't, and that I'm always home doing nothing. Also, it looks like we have trouble communicating, she asks me to do something and it results in that she wanted me to do something else. So when I try to explain calmly, there comes her aggressiveness, and she starts to lecture me (aggressively) and doesn't let me express my feelings.

I guess I can write a letter, and let her know how I feel through that, then we can talk about it.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this, I really want to fix my relationship with her.

It sounds like your efforts are sincere and that you truly want to have a close relationship w/ your mom. Try to be patient and understanding. This is hard on your mom too. Growing up, I had a difficult time connecting to my dad. I felt like he was always standing over my shoulder critiquing everything I did and finding fault in whatever he could. He wld yell at me often, and even when I tried to explain my position, I felt he didn't listen. My mom was sick for about 10 yrs w/ cancer, and that put a lot of stress on my dad. I understand now how he must've felt and how difficult everything was on him. We now have a much closer relationship. Hang in there.
One suggestion that might be helpful to you wld be to get yourself out of the house part of the day and keep busy. Is it possible for you to get a part-time job or even for you to volunteer somewhere in your community? You can also join activities, sports, whatever after school and spend time w/ friends that way. I think this'll help take a lot of the stress off you at home. Still be supportive of your mom as much as you can, but enjoy your life too.

Remember, the letter is just a suggestion and it may be effective, but it may not. If you mother is in the habit of parenting you with yelling and aggression, it might take some time for her to realize what she is doing and change things. I believe it's a great start to get communicating on this subject, I'm just saying don't give up if things don't turn around right away. The suggestions that "concerned" offered are important either way. Get yourself out and start to get some accomplishments of your own, if it's sports or a PT job or whatever. Keep a positive attitude! Good luck!!

I do get out of the house sometimes, but where I live I need a ride everywhere. Though, there are times that I go walking to the places I need to get to.

I play tennis with my friends a lot, and I also go out swimming in a nearby country club. But like I said, it's kind of hard to reach those places, the only way is by getting a ride or if I have the energy to walk.
I don't mind, but when I try walking, my mom doesn't like the idea of it being too far, and when I need her to take me to those places, she puts on a fit.

That's what I meant by freedom, it's hard for me to go somewhere without bothering my mom 'cause she doesn't let me go anywhere a lone, she's really over protective.

Well, After the first comments you have made, I did talk to her and she agrees with me and she said that she'll try to speak better to us (me & my sister).

Again thanks, and I appreciate it.

Well what i can tell you is never give up on your mama. Being that i am the same age as you have to do is pray for your mother. Being that your father is a irresponsible man its time for you to step up and become the man of the house. She might treat u the way the way she do but she loves you. Dont give up boy take it to the lord and he will fix it. Just like on "Madea I can do bad by my self" at the end they was Saying "no matter what you going through god is the answer". What they mean about that take to jesus no matter your problem no matter your situation and he will deliver you from that situation .You pray go to church and handle your buisness even if you have to get a job do that then. Do you have any relatives or close neighbors that you can talk to. Always talk to your mother cause think about this there is somebody in the world that dont have a mother that cared for them and somewhere in the world its somebody who dont have a home or no one to care about them and jus to say they would love to have what you have.

Valente'
PS: (Of course you not the only teen writing about this type of stuff) of course you always welcome
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Myspace_case

2009-03-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Dead Teen's Mother Testifies about Daughter's Vulnerability in MySpace Suicide Case -- Update

LOS ANGELES -- Two months before she committed suicide in 2006, a 13-year-old girl at the center of a landmark cyberbullying case was the happiest her parents had seen her in a long time.

Tina Meier, testifying in a U.S. District Court in Los Angeles on Wednesday afternoon, described to jurors how her daughter Megan was diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and depression in the third grade and had spent years taking prescription medication and battling low self-esteem exacerbated by bullying schoolmates.

Megan's spirits lifted when she switched schools in August 2006, her mother said. The teen's outlook improved even more a month later when a "hot" 16-year-old boy named "Josh Evans" contacted her out of the blue through her MySpace page and told her he wanted to become her friend.

Less than a month later, "Josh" turned on Megan. He joined others taunting her with cruel and venomous comments. After he sent her a message saying, "the world would be a better place without you," Megan responded, "You are the kind of boy a girl would kill herself over." Thirty minutes later, she hanged herself in her bedroom closet with a belt.

The defendant in the case, 49-year-old Lori Drew, is charged with violating MySpace's terms of service by conspiring with her daughter and an assistant to set up the hoax "Josh Evans" account and torment Megan. Ashley Grills, a then-18-year-old woman employed by Drew and her husband, has admitted sending the final message to Megan while posing as Evans. Grills has been granted immunity from prosecution in exchange for her cooperation with the government, and is scheduled to testify against Drew.

As Meier described her daughter's end, several family members sitting in the courtroom's front row -- including her ex-husband Ron Meier, and aunt Vicki Dunn -- sobbed and dabbed their eyes with Kleenex. Two of the male jurors brought their hands to their chins, listening intently, but there was little to indicate how the jury of six men and six women absorbed the testimony.

Defense attorney H. Dean Steward called Meier's testimony "totally improper in a computer fraud case."

Meier took the stand Wednesday following opening statements, and testimony by another witness. Susan Prouty, a 34-year-old former business client of Lori Drew, said Drew confessed to her that she had created the MySpace profile used to harass Megan. According to Prouty, Drew also admitted writing some of the messages "Josh" sent to the girl.

Defense lawyer Steward maintains that Drew did not use or create the MySpace account, and on cross examination, he challenged Prouty's testimony, zeroing in on the notion that Drew would have shared so much information with a purely-professional associate. He asked if Prouty might have confused what she'd heard from other people, or in media reports, with what Drew told her. Prouty said she had not confused the two.

Then Meier took the stand. Asked to describe her late daughter, Meier called Megan "bubbly" and "energetic" with a "huge sense of humor."

But Megan also had problems. She took prescription medication for ADD and depression, and saw a psychologist on a regular basis, right up until her death. Megan also suffered from self-esteem and body-image issues, believing herself to be fat in comparison to other girls. In 2005, Megan scratched "small marks" onto her wrists, Meier testified.

The medication and counseling didn't entirely address problems that Megan was having in the world. Her mother testified that she was taunted and bullied at school and that she stopped eating lunch because boys at school would stand behind her and call her fat.

When prosecutor Thomas O'Brien asked if Megan liked boys, Meier smiled for the first time on the stand and said she "definitely liked boys," and had pictures of them on her walls.

She described how Megan and Sarah Drew -- Lori Drew's daughter -- became friends in the fourth grade; the two families lived only four doors apart. Megan joined the Drews on at least three family outings and vacations to visit their relatives. But as they got older, their relationship ran hot-and-cold in a manner typical for teenage girls.

Significantly, Meier said that Drew was aware of Megan's mental health issues, because they discussed them a number of times. Furthermore, when Megan accompanied the Drew family on outings, Lori Drew was responsible for ensuring that Megan took her medication.

In eighth grade, the Meiers decided to remove Megan from her public school and send her to a private Catholic school instead. Drew was "not happy" about the move, Meier said. But after the change, Megan's grades improved, as well as her attitude, and she was allowed to open a MySpace account to stay in contact with friends -- though under strict restrictions.

It had to be a private account, so no one could view Megan's profile unless they were approved by Megan and her parents. Only her parents held the password, and Megan was allowed to use the account only when one of them was in the room. Megan's parents also had monitoring software installed to track web sites Megan visited, and instant messages she exchanged with people.

On September 20, 2006, not long after she signed up, Megan got a friend request from "Josh Evans". Meier asked her daughter if she knew him. Megan said she didn't, but thought he might be a friend-of-a-friend, and Meier gave her permission to add him to her friends list.

Megan was instantly smitten. Evans told her she was cute. Coming from an attractive and mysterious boy, the praise was catnip to a young girl suffering from self-esteem issues.

Meier later became suspicious of "Josh" because as her daughter's correspondence with him progressed, he made excuses about why he couldn't meet up with her in perso or call her, and at one point appeared to make a sexually suggestive remark. Fearing he might be an adult, Meier contacted the St. Charles County sheriff department's cyberdivision about investigating the issue, but was rebuffed.

Then on October 15, Josh sent Megan a message saying that he didn't want to be friends anymore. The next day, Josh told her he'd heard she wasn't nice to her friends, and that's why he wanted to sever their ties.

Megan became upset and Meier, who had to leave the house to take her other daughter to an orthodontist appointment, told Megan to shut down the computer. Megan didn't do as she was told, however, and got embroiled in an electronic brawl when at least two other people began attacking her online, culminating in the final message from "Josh".

When Meier came home she found Megan still online and in tears. When she appealed to her mother for support, Meier chastised her for being on the computer when she'd been instructed to shut it down, and suggested that Megan had brought some of the attacks on herself by continuing to communicate with her attackers.

Megan, in mental anguish at this point, told her mother, "You're supposed to be my mom. You're supposed to be on my side."

Thirty minutes later, Megan hanged herself, Meier testified.

At this point in Meier's testimony, Judge Wu called for the proceedings to break for the day. After jurors were escorted from the courtroom, Steward asked for a mistrial. Wu denied the request, and told Steward that if he'd found Meier's testimony objectionable, then he could have objected to it at the time. "I would have sustained [those objections]," he said.

The trial resumes Thursday, when Meier is scheduled to be cross-examined.

Update: On cross examination Thursday morning, Drew's lawyer asked Meier about a trio of medications Megan had been taking at the time of her death. One of them, the antidepressant citalopram, has a reported side affect of contributing to suicidal behavior in children and adolescents suffering from depression, he noted.

Defense attorney H. Dean Steward went on to grill Meier about a different MySpace incident he says occurred in December 2005, six months before the Meiers began closely controlling Megan's internet use. At that time, Megan created a MySpace profile as an 18-year-old woman, and swapped sexually-charged banter with other users, he said, citing notes he'd obtained from Megan's psychologist.

Meier had no recollection of the MySpace account.

"Don't you remember her portraying herself as an 18-year old, ten months earlier?," Steward asked.

"Obviously, I don't," said Meier.

Steward's point: by lying about her age, Megan herself had committed the same terms-of-service violation that Drew is now facing felony prosecution over. He introduced this theme earlier in his cross examination, asking Meier if she'd read MySpace's contract before allowing Megan to establish the MySpace profile through which she befriended "Josh." MySpace doesn't allow users under the age of 14.

Meier answered that she had read every word of the contract, even though it took some 25 minutes. She once worked for a law firm, she said, and had learned to read any contract carefully before agreeing to it. In this case, Meier saw no harm in letting Megan sign up while only 13, because she'd be turning 14 in about a month-and-a-half.

Also in December 2005, Steward said, Megan had been complaining to Sarah that her parents were fighting, and it was depressing her. She hinted at suicide in some of those conversations, according to Steward, who read from an e-mail Megan allegedly sent to Sarah. "I think I'm going to do suicide tonight. I can't take it any more."

Megan, in other words, was a troubled girl with a long history of problems, who had discussed suicide nearly a year before the MySpace hoax.

parents questions & Answers

2009-03-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW

Question: I have a tendency to worry too much about my 15-year-old daughter, even though she's a good kid. It's driving her crazy. The few times she's come home late without calling I've been very upset and imagined all kinds of things that could have happened to her. When she confides in me about her friends' problems, I begin to wonder if my daughter is involved in some of that stuff, too. I often question her about this, even though she isn't showing any signs of problems. I know that she would seek out my help if she needed it, and that's why I'm frustrated by my worrying. Any advice?

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Answer: You are wise to be concerned about your excessive worrying over your daughter. The anxiety you show her might have three primary negative effects:

* She will internalize your anxiety about her and begin to take on unnecessary worry herself.
* She will be reluctant to share more of her life with you for fear that you will become unduly anxious.
* Your relationship with her will become less intimate because it will be more and more infused with your growing anxiety as she moves through her later adolescence.

You don't have to "let go" of her. The worst approach to your problem would be for you to back off and to let her be the initiator of all contact and discussions. The "I'm here if you want me" stance is not what teens need. Your daughter needs you to stay connected to her now more than ever, and she needs your guidance and support.

Your daughter may be discussing some of her own concerns as she tells you about the problems of her friends. She probably figures that's a safer way to bring up certain topics with you. Instead of responding to her by repeatedly asking her if they are her problems too, accept the fact that she is more comfortable raising some issues with you in this manner and stop the follow-up personal questions.

She knows that you love her. She also knows that you worry far too much about her. It might be a good idea to seek some short-term professional counseling to gain more insight, advice, and support regarding how to minimize your exaggerated concerns while remaining connected to your daughter. Thanks for writing.
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*Teen Won't Put in Effort at School*

Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW

Question: No matter what we do, we can't seem to motivate our 15-year-old daughter to try in school. She received 3 F's on her last report card. Her teachers say she doesn't turn in her assignments. Neither of us understands why she refuses to put any effort into school. When we ask her, we just get a blank stare or a lie. What can we do?

Answer: I'd like to know if there have been any other observable changes in your daughter's everyday pattern of living -- physical changes; long uninterrupted depressed periods; significant changes in hygiene; how she presents herself physically; changes in friends and how much of a social life she is leading; or a breakup with a boyfriend. There are so many things going on in the mind and body of a 15 year-old girl, all of them INTENSE!!! Does she usually confide in you or tell you what's going on in her life? Has something distressing happened in the family or to someone close to her that could be saddening, worrying, or preoccupying her? Has she done poorly in school for a while or is this report card a real shock? I would ask yourself these questions and then see a good family therapist who deals often with kids this age; both of you should go, not your daughter. Formulate an action plan with this therapist and meanwhile, don't express anger or shame at your daughter's academic failure. She is definitely communicating something to you that she can't presently say directly to you. You can tell her you are sorry she doesn't feel like trying in school right now and that you are going to try to help her make her life feel happier and more worthwhile. Express your love for her and make that appointment. Good luck folks. I'm sure some understanding is on the way.

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*Homeschooled Daughter Is Unhappy*

Please read our General and Medical Disclaimers
Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW

Question: I have four children ages 13, 5, 3, and a 1-year-old. The oldest is the only girl who is ,overall,very helpful with taking care of her brothers. She is being home-schooled right now and does very well on her own. However, she does not enjoy it. I felt homeschooling was necessary because public school became a highly social outlet for her rather than an academic one. The past ten years have been rough for her. First, having a new dad, new home, and new siblings have been difficult. Many times she feels as though she is neglected and does not like her home life. She has many activities, from sports to hanging out with friends yet, she feels like she does nothing except schoolwork and chores. Am I missing something? I found a letter she wrote saying, "It sucks here." I feel I really do a lot for her, yet, she is not satisfied. When she is upset about having to do a chore or because one of her siblings has the go ahead, she will make an issue out of it. Overall, I am tired of the constant arguments, disagreements, and disciplining. What am I to do?

Answer: I can only assume by your letter that you are her stepfather. What I don't know is for how long. You make reference to her having it rough for the last ten years. I don't know if that's when you became her stepdad or whether you came into her life recently and pulled her out of public school to home-school her. There is also no mention of her mother in this discussion. These are rather crucial facts that affect my advice.

Despite the aforementioned questions, I can offer you some advice regardless of your answers. First, she is a "new" teenager who is acting very appropriately, i.e. wanting to make her own decisions that affect her life, resenting being the one who perhaps has been placed all too often in the caretaker role of her brothers, seeing you as controlling all social aspects of her life,etc..

School IS and should be a highly social outlet for kids. An important life long learning that comes from being in school is how to be a responsible, socially agreeable, cooperative member of a community outside your family of origin. This is an extraordinarily needy time for her socially; there is much she is missing out on. It appears that home-schooling was chosen for her as a "punishment" for her being "too social". I believe she was never given a chance to prove that, over time, she could adjust to the social life of school and balance that with her "job", being a responsible academic student.

I have nothing against home-schooling. I believe, however, that in your daughter's case, home-schooling was chosen as your way of keeping her away from social "temptations". If you can surrender up your fear-based reasoning for a moment, could you entertain the notion of seeing a family counselor with her. The family counselor could hear both of your concerns and then offer up a blueprint for how all those concerns could be fairly addressed. I think you need to show your daughter that you will respect her needs and opinions and that you are open to any plan that would both satisfy her needs and address your worries. I know I'm asking you for a big shift in thinking here but I think it's a path that can allow her to grow up with a stronger, more responsible sense of herself.

Link Resource

2008-10-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

हमारी बेटियां

2008-10-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

अब बात किदवईनगर की एच ब्लॉक में रहने वाली निधि की. सेंट मैरीज कॉन्वेंट की स्टूडेंट के तौर पर 10वीं में 82 परसेंट, 12वीं में 76 परसेंट पाए. फिर इयर 2004 में कानपुर यूनिवर्सिटी से एडवरटाइजिंग एंड मार्केटिंग सब्जेक्ट में बीए किया. ओवर ऑल बेस्ट ऐकेडमिक परफॉर्मेस के लिए ग्रुप में गवर्नर के हाथों गोल्ड मेडल पाया. गुलमोहर पब्लिक स्कूल में लगातार दो साल बेस्ट टीचर का खिताब जीता. फिर एनीमेशन की पढ़ाई के लिए मुंबई गई. वहां एक सहेली के साथ सीरियल के सेट पर पहुंची तो डायरेक्टर-प्रोड्यूसर एकता कपूर और शोभा कपूर को ऐसी भा गई कि एक्टिंग कासफर शुरू हो गया. जो मायका (जी टीवी), काजल (स्टार), कस्तूरी (स्टार), डोली सजा के, करम अपना.चैंपियन चालबाज आदि दर्जन भर सीरियल्स करने के बाद भी जारी है.

12वीं के आईसीएसई बोर्ड एग्जाम्स में 97.25 परसेंट नंबर पाकर साइंस में सिटी टॉपर बनने के बावजूद मैं तो ज्यादा पढ़ी ही नहीं कहकर सबको चौंका देने वाली सेंट मैरीज कॉन्वेंट स्कूल की स्टूडेंट, इति जैन के फादर डॉ. एके जैन बचपन से ही बेटी को लेकर प्राउड फील करते हैं. इति के अनुसार पापा एक टीचर और अच्छे मैनेजर हैं. इति की बड़ी बहन अंकिता भी इंजीनियरिंग कर रही है. इति के अनुसार पापा और मम्मी कुसुम जैन ने बिना प्रेशर अच्छा परफॉर्म करना सिखाया.

एक ऐसी बेटी, जिसकी मां ही उसकी सबसे बड़ी इंस्पीरेशन और वंडरफुल फ्रेंड थी. मां की बदौलत आज वो इस मेल डॉमिनेटेड सोसायटी में भी ऐसे पद पर पहुंचने में कामयाब हुई कि उनकी मां को अपनी बेटी पर गर्व है. ये डॉटर है सिटी में एड लैब्स (रेव थ्री) में सीनियर असिस्टेंट मैनेजर की पोस्ट पर काम कर रहीं श्वेता सेठी. तीन भाई बहनों में सबसे छोटी श्वेता के यहां तक पहुंचने का रास्ता मुश्किलों भरा रहा है. वो कहती है मां पूजा सेठी गूबा गार्डेन में एक छोटा सा स्कूल चलाती हैं. 2002 में पिता की मौत के बाद अपने करियर और फर्दर एजूकेशन का बोझ खुद श्वेता पर ही आ गया. कानपुर में एक मार्केटिंग कंपनी में तीन महीने सेल्स की जॉब की तो कंपनी बिना वेतन दिए भाग गई. उस समय जब कॉल सेंटर की जॉब को अच्छा नहीं माना जाता था, फिर भी दिल्ली जाकर कॉल सेंटर ट्रेनिंग ज्वाइन की. इसके बाद वहीं पर 8 हजार रुपए पर टेलीकॉलर की पहली जॉब की. उसी सैलरी में घर पैसे भेजने के अलावा रेंट और दिल्ली में रहने-खाने के अरेंजमेंट्स भी देखने थे. वहीं एक 18-19 साल की लड़की का एक बड़े अनजान शहर में अकेले रहना कितना मुश्किल है, यह तब समझ में आया जब परेशानियों के कारण कई घर बदलने पड़े. पल-पल यही लगता था कि अब बहुत हुआ, घर भाग चलूं. पर मेरी मां ने एक बेहतरीन दोस्त की तरह सपोर्ट किया. मैं दिल्ली में टिक पाई. बहन की शादी करने घर आई, फिर लखनऊ से एमबीए किया. वापस दिल्ली में अच्छे पैकेज पर बड़ी कंपनी में जॉब मिली. आज 4 लाख रुपए पर एनम से ज्यादा के पैकेज पर अपने ही शहर में जॉब कर रही हूं. उनकी मां भावुक होकर बस इतना ही कह पाती हैं कि मुझे अपनी बेटी पर गर्व है.

मानवती आर्या (फ्रीडम फाइटर), डॉ. लक्ष्मी सहगल (आजाद हिंद फौज), सुभाषिनी अली (डॉ. लक्ष्मी सहगल की बेटी एवं पूर्व सांसद), डॉ. सुशीला रोहतगी (पूर्व फाइनेंस मिनिस्टर भारत सरकार), नीतू डेविड (हाईएस्ट विकेट टेकर इन इंटरनेशनल वीमन क्रिकेट), डॉ. आरती लालचंदानी (कार्डियोलॉजिस्ट, सोशलिस्ट), डॉ. मधु लूंबा (गायनकोलॉजिस्ट, प्रदेश का पहला टेस्ट ट्यूब बेबी इन्हीं की देखरेख में), आशा रानी राय (प्रिंसिपल सरस्वती, वेदा ज्ञानी), हेमलता स्वरूप (कानपुर यूनिवर्सिटी वीसी), सिस्टर नूरीन (मरियमपुर प्रिंसिपल, सोशल वर्कर), सरला सिंह (सिटी की पहली महिला मेयर), अंकिता मिश्रा (सिंगर, इंडियन आयडल फाइनलिस्ट), विनती सिंह (सिंगर, वॉयस ऑफ इंडिया).

यह सामग्री http://www.inext.co.in/epaper से ली हैं।

Mom & Her Daughter

2008-10-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

I love my mom because . . .

Editor’s note: We asked readers to submit testimonial tributes about how great their moms are to Seacoastconnects.com, our community Web site within a Web site at Seacoastonline.com. Here are some excerpts from those submissions, as well as notes from Ashley and Meranda Stoddard, which arrived the old-fashioned way - dropped off at our front desk.

Although I’m not quite 11 yet I’ve already discovered my mom is a wonderful parent and friend and I know I can tell her anything and everything no matter what.

She’s really fun too! She sings and dances to the radio (I think she has a beautiful voice) and one time she even let my sister and I try to dye our hair with the leftover Easter eggs coloring.

She supports my interests by doing things like driving me to violin class every Monday and cooking up delicious vegetarian concoctions.

In conclusion I have the best mom there ever could be. Here’s a poem I wrote (I originally wrote the following poem about God but I decided it’ a perfect description of a mother); It’s mom who always loves us, It’s mom who sees us through, and it’s she who sees the good in all the bad things we do.

- Submitted By Ashley Stoddard, Age 10

My Mom is mine,

Your Mom is yours.

My Mom is the best

Because she is loving

And sweet.

She is nice too.

But my Mom is mine

And you can’t have her!

I know you probably want her.

You have yours and I have mine

And that is that!

- Submitted By Miranda Stoddard, Age 7

Yes, my mother is special but don’t give her any compliments. If you tell her that you like her sweater, she will take it off and give it to you probably even if she doesn’t know you although I’ve never tried dressing up in disguise and complimenting her. And now I’m making her sound like a pushover but that is the special thing about her she is also strong - if you want to see the other side of her personality you only have to suggest that the red bandanna she is wearing tied around her arm is a bit ridiculous.

- Ivy,

Junior member

My mother has been there unequivocally for my brother since his brain tumor diagnosis last year. She spent all of her free time on the Internet and on the telephone, aggressively researching everything from surgery and recovery to charitable assistance for him and his new bride and baby and his two older sons. This was only a few months after very nearly losing my sister to complications from a chronic disease; of course my mom and dad flew down to be at her side through the whole thing. Mom has come through like she was invincible, even though she had her own debilitating illness last winter that forced her out of work for three months! She still has smiles and love to spare and is never too tired to take a grandkid overnight to give us a break!. Her unbelievable constitution may be due, in part, to the fact that I extracted every nerve she had while she was raising me - and being a second mother to my older son. I LOVE YOU MUM!

- Bullyforme,

senior member

My mother is special because she has been here for me ever since I was a baby. My dad split on us and she’s done EVERYTHING in her power to keep me safe, healthy and happy. She’s not only my mother but she is my best friend and she supports me in everything I do. I love her and appreciate her more than she or ANYONE would ever know.

- SouthernTXGirlinNH, junior member

My Mom is hands down the best. My real Mom died when I was 13. I was lost. I met my husband(and his Mom) six years ago . She is the most caring understanding person I have ever known. She loves me as if I were her own. When I need a shoulder to cry on or some sort of parenting advice she is ALWAYS there day or night. We have a special kind of relationship that is rare. She is my best girlfriend and ultimately my mother. I learned that you do not need to bear the children you call yours. Her love is unconditional. To me she will always be my Mom regardless.

If my Real Mother were to pick a replacement it would be her. I love her so much.

- miksmummee,

junior member

My mom emotionally and financially survived my father’s death, teaching me not only to always be able to provide for myself but also that life is easier when you go through it with friends, family, and a sense of humor. She’s a clever woman, I’m lucky to have spent so much time with her as my mom but also as my friend.

- shanchis,

junior member

I tell whoever is nearest,

that my mother is the dearest.

She is really sweet and kind,

Another like her you could not find.

She is really gentle and caring, and her love,

she is always sharing. Some times I act pretty bad,

but my mom hardly ever gets mad.

The thing I am trying so hard to say,

is Mom Happy Mother’s Day!

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बेटियां हैं न

2008-10-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

बेटियां किसी भी सूरत में बेटों से कम नहीं. चाहे जिम्मेदारियों का बोझ उठाना हो या परिवार को संभालना. न जाने कितने ही परिवार हैं जहां बेटियां हर कदम पर बेटों से बेहतर साबित हो रही हैं.

डीके गुप्ता एचएससी कंपनी से रिटायर्ड हैं. वह तीन बेटियों में ही अपनी दुनिया मानते हैं. तीनों को अच्छी एजूकेशन दिलाई और अब तीनों ही अच्छी जगहों पर जॉब कर रही हैं. अर्चिता उनकी बड़ी बेटी है. दूसरी बेटी अर्पिता गुड़गांव में केपीएमजी इंटरनेशनल फर्म में फाइनेंस कंसल्टेन्ट है. छोटी बेटी अपर्णा मुम्बई में एसेंशल कंपनी में सीनियर सॉफ्टवेयर इंजीनियर है.

अर्चिता कहती है कि हमें भाई की जरूरत नहीं है. पता नहीं भाई कैसा होता, मम्मी-पापा का कितना ख्याल रख पाता. मुझे इस बात का कोई दुख नहीं कि मेरा कोई भाई नहीं है. हम अपने पैरेंट्स की देखभाल कर सकते हैं.

तराना की उम्र तकरीबन 30 साल है. परिवार में दो छोटी बहनें और मां हैं. वो दिल्ली की एक कंपनी में मैनेजिंग डायरेक्टर है. तराना की सबसे छोटी बहन अदा किंगफिशर एयर लाइंस में एयरहोस्टेस है. दूसरी बहन यासमीन इंजीनियरिंग का कोर्स कर एब्रॉड में जॉब कर रही है. तराना ने ही दोनों बहनों को उनकी मंजिल तक पहुंचाया है.

मां रुखसार का कहना है कि तराना ने पिता की मौत के बाद अपनी जिम्मेदारियां समझीं और दोनों बहनों की पढ़ाई मुकम्मल कराने के बाद एक बहन की शादी भी की. रुखसार अपनी बेटी को बेटे से कम नहीं मानतीं. वो कहती हैं कि तराना के रहते मुझे कभी नहीं लगा कि मेरा एक बेटा भी होता.

अनिल चौहान एक प्राइवेट कंपनी से रिटायर्ड हैं. इनकी दो बेटियां है, मीनाक्षी और मालती. अनिल का मानना है कि उनकी दोनों बेटियां उनके लिए लकी हैं. हालांकि लोगों ने कई बार एक लड़का गोद लेने की सलाह दी मगर उन्होंने कभी इसकी जरूरत नहीं समझी. उनका कहना है कि मेरी बेटियां किसी बेटे से कम नहीं हैं.

बड़ी बेटी मीनाक्षी ऐड एजेंसी में काम करती है. छोटी बहन मालती का जॉब करने का कोई इरादा नहीं था. मीनाक्षी ने छोटी बहन की शादी कराई और वो अपनी ससुराल में बेहद खुश है.

पैरेंट्स के जोर देने पर मीनाक्षी अब शादी का मन बना रही है लेकिन अपनी शर्तो पर. वह अपने परिवार की जिम्मेदारियों के बीच ससुराल को नहीं आने देना चाहती.

बकौल मीनाक्षी, उन्हें कभी किसीकाम के लिए इस बात का ख्याल नहींआया कि भाई होना चाहिए. मम्मीहमारे लिए अहोई अष्टमी का व्रतरखती हैं, जो बेटे के लिए रखा जाता है. उनकी यही बात मुझे बेटा होने काअहसास दिलाती है.

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